Ethics Statement

My work as a teacher and mentor is based on an aspiration to provide guidance to those who are practicing and studying along the path of Buddhist meditation, ethics, psychology and philosophy. As part of this work, I instruct and facilitate group classes, trainings and retreats. I also often enter into one-on-one teacher/mentor relationships with students, where I offer guidance regarding their path of practice and study, and their life in the world. 

 Simultaneously, I am committed to this path of awakening myself, which means I commit to being a consistent student of these teachings in my own life. I also aspire to serve as an example of someone who holds the practices and teachings of a wisdom tradition, someone who is practicing wholeheartedly but imperfectly, with flaws and all. I aspire to bring both my wisdom and mistakes to the path with humility, confidence and transparency. That is the meaning of Kalyanamitra, or “Spiritual Friend.”

 Within this role, I feel ethically accountable to three distinct groups of people, and this statement outlines the sense of responsibility to each group. Each group presents different boundaries and relational standards, outlined below:

 1.     As A Buddhist, Among Fellow Humans: I aspire to be a decent representative of the Buddhist path to everyone I encounter. This means practicing right speech, kindness, nonharmfulness, and generosity to the best of my ability within the unique circumstance of every life situation. This requires participating fully and openly in the political, cultural, artistic, economic and other elements of modern life with the view of awakening and compassion firmly in mind. This also requires a willingness to receive and incorporate feedback from those I am in relationship with—my teachers, wife, family, friends, colleagues, students, employers, and fellow citizens—regarding my views, speech and conduct, as well as consistently reflecting on the choices that I make with regards to the truth of interdependence and care for all beings. As a white male dharma student and teacher, this also means consistently interrogating my own privilege, reflecting on blind spots and implicit biases, and acting to undercut and dismantle the structural harm caused by white supremacy, patriarchy and all other modes of systemic oppression which impede our opportunity for awakening, both personally and collectively.

2.     To Students in Programs I Instruct or Facilitate: I commit to working alongside other faculty and staff to create a safe and inclusive space for students who attend programs or retreats which I instruct, for the duration of the program. Students in courses, programs or retreats which I help instruct or facilitate are under no ongoing obligation to me as a student, outside of the specific participatory agreements and time frame of that particular course, nor am I under any ongoing obligation to them as a teacher outside the bounds of the attended program(s), except to maintain—as a representative of the dharma—the ethical practices described above to the best of my ability as a fellow human. 

However, with acknowledgement of the psychological and spiritual power dynamic that may arise when temporarily acting as instructor, I will always be cautious to clarify my role with any person who I primarily have known previously in a class or retreat setting, should our relationship expand beyond the realm of that class or program. This scenario frequently happens to all instructors of meditation and dharma, given the interwoven nature of the larger sanghas and communities in which these programs and gatherings take place in modern society. Before entering into any sort of personal relationship—such as friendship, romantic relationship, business relations or exchange of goods or services outside of the scope of the  programs in which we have worked together—it is important for the instructor to clarify that the establishment of any such relationship is mutually consensual and entirely separate from any student-instructor expectations. While all healthy relationships are based on mutual consent among adults, it is my belief that it is primarily the responsibility of the instructor to attempt to clarify roles and boundaries with someone who has attended programs or retreats, should there be mutual interest in establishing any other sort of ongoing social or business relationship.

3.     To My Personal Students: When I enter into a personal student-teacher relationship with students along the path, we agree to monthly meetings and sessions to discuss the progress of practice, study and life. While a student can end or pause our relationship at any time, I do request working together for an initial period of at least 6 months to establish consistency of practice, and to get to know each other sufficiently in the context of a student-teacher relationship. 

There is often confusion on the matter of what constitutes a committed student-teacher relationship. The idea of one’s “teacher” is sometimes thrown around to describe anybody whose ideas you follow, whose books you’ve read, who you sat with once, or whom you admire. However, to take on either a student or teacher is a mutually agreed upon and crucial step. This is a real relationship, and both parties must clearly agree to it. 

I work with this simple statement to know if you are in a student-teacher relationship: If a teacher does not know they are your teacher, then they are not your teacher.

Within an atmosphere of mutual respect and shared wisdom, the kalyanamitra holds space, listens, presents teachings, facilitates, encourages, coaches, gives homework and provides real accountability for the student as they practice, study, and awaken through the various challenges of life. 

Buddhist mentoring is distinct from the nondisclosure of one’s personal journey which is advocated in some (but not all) Western psychological traditions, especially when the mentor is a lay practitioner with a full life in contemporary society. As is said in the Mitta Sutta, a good spiritual friend “tells you their secrets, and they keep yours. When misfortunes strike, they don’t abandon you; when you're down & out, they don’t look down on you.”

 Thus, I make the following commitments to my personal students: 

1)    To establish a clear and transparent set of expectations for our work together, including practice expectations and a financial relationship that acknowledges the needs of both parties.

2)    To maintain confidentiality regarding any personal information a student shares with me during our sessions.

3)    To maintain good boundaries for our student-teacher relationship, including transparently sharing my own path experience when (and only if) I feel it is helpful to the student’s journey, and to always endeavor to treat the student’s wisdom and confusion alike with an innate belief in what is sometimes referred to as “Basic Goodness,” or what Carl Rogers referred to as “Unconditional Positive Regard. “

4)    To be exceedingly cautious about entering into social engagements, business relationships or exchange of goods and services outside of the agreed structure of the student-teacher relationship. On the rare occasions that such an external interaction with a personal student feels mutually beneficial and compassionate, it is the kalyanamitra’s duty to check in and make sure that no hidden expectations or emotional baggage accompany these outside exchanges. As the guide and stable point of reference in the student-teacher relationship, it is the teacher’s duty to make sure the boundaries of the relationship remain clear, mutually beneficial, and mutually consensual, with the student’s true wellbeing always foremost in mind.

5)     To never enter into a romantic or sexual relationship with a committed student. Western Buddhism has recently seen too many examples of teachers who engage in sexual relationships with their committed students, and it is my belief that to engage in such a relationship while in a student-teacher commitment includes a power differential that cannot, by definition, lead to a compassionate outcome. On the occasions where a student and teacher both feel romantic desire for each other and wish to act on those desires, the student-teacher relationship should be formally ended and reasonable time and space should be given before both people decide whether the feelings still exist outside of the student-teacher context, and whether or not they are going to pursue a romantic interaction as fellow humans on equal ground.

These guidelines are my continuing practice and aspiration. 

            -Ethan Nichtern (he/him/his)

 (Originally written in 2011 for IDP’s teacher training program, updated June 2020)